Two weeks a boy died. He was 11 years old and in 5th grade. You may know his name by now—Jaheem Herrera. At his school and in his family, Jaheem was known for being friendly and artistic. When he hung himself 2 weeks ago, we lost an artist and a good friend. About a week before that, another boy—Carl Walker-Hoover, also 11 years old— killed himself. He was known for playing basketball and football. While these losses are certainly greatest for their family and friends, we all lost them.
Every child—every person—has things that make him or her special. Jaheem’s gifs for drawing and friendship were two things that made him special. But for the kids at school who got their need for power and control met by teasing—no, bullying—Jaheem, these gifts were not the attributes to focus on. Instead, they noticed what made Jaheem different, and therefore, vulnerable. Jaheem was originally from the Virgin Islands, and had an accent. So they teased him by calling him “virgin.” Media reports also say that he was continually teased by being called “gay,” and that this hurt him very much. Like Jaheem, Carl was also bullied and called repeatedly called “gay.”
Some people—both children and adults—have told me that when a student calls someone or something “gay,” they don’t mean anything sexual. They mean that something or someone is “stupid,” “ugly,” “not cool,” “retarded,” or “weird.” And, some say, since the word is used so commonly among young people, what’s wrong with using it like that?
Everything.
It doesn’t matter what someone thinks about homosexuality, or whether they’re using the word to mean something other than “gay.” Using it to mean “stupid” or “weird” puts down both a whole group of people, and the boy or girl it is intended to hurt.
There are some great resources for helping kids and adults to appreciate and practice the concepts of tolerance and respect. Both Teaching Tolerance (www.tolerance.org) and GLSEN (www.glsen.org) have good websites and materials. The Ad Council (www.adcouncil.org) offers public service announcements on the concept of “Don’t say, ‘It’s so gay’” that are not only entertaining, but also seemed to make an impression on the students who watched them with me.
The resources are especially useful because this is not always an easy thing to talk about when the social culture of a school—or of a living room—accepts this language as the norm. I’ve talked about with adults and students in both places. The students were a bit uncomfortable, but they seemed to understand that even though they may not mean to be hurtful when they call something “gay, using the word like that gives other people permission to use it in a hurtful way. For me, it has sometimes been more difficult with adults. Some of the adults I’ve spoken with seemed to have trouble seeing why it was such a big deal. Maybe they thought it was “cool.” I understand the students’ hesitancy to call their peers on it, because there have been times when I haven’t said anything to adults I hear saying it. I’m ashamed to admit that the negative responses I’ve had sometimes have made it hard to for me to gently speak up. It can be hard to do the right thing and put yourself on the line when everyone’s having fun, whether it’s at a cocktail party or in the lunch line in the school cafeteria.
But I don’t think it will be as hard for me to say something anymore. The deaths of Carl and Jaheem have changed that. When I hear it someone call something or someone “gay,” I will think of those beautiful 11-year-old angels, and the artist, athlete, and friends that the world has lost.
Christine Linkie
